Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Rumors of You

I heard the rumors that things are turning out as I expected.
Really we are torn between the hope that the lives we leave will fall apart, (a hope unworthy of us and who we wish to be) and the fear that our departure will weigh anchor, help you cast off for exotic shores, successes, happiness without measure. Or is it that we fear the first and hope for the second? Flipsides. Always flipsides.

But the rumors of you that came back to me were contrary to my better imaginings. I imagined that somehow I touched you in passing, sparked a creative fire, gave you a hit of youth, or beauty, or hope. Egotistical fantasies.

We mark each other. I know we do. So I can hope that the marks might be wholesome, like trace minerals, like vitamins, like potions that revive, give heart, or act as keys, opening us into gardens. But the marks are more like fingerprints of soot, or gouges, or trails of poison leading to the heart.

I imagined that you were doing well--I hoped that you were falling apart. If you were falling apart it meant I meant something to you. If you were doing well, I intended to take credit for that too. As a catalyst. I just wanted, however it turned out, for it to mean something, to have meant something to you.

But the rumors are that the house is falling down around you.That you're surrounded by bottles and ashes and haze. That the tv is always on. That your cat is dying and pisses everywhere, and that the house, oh beautiful, reeks to make the eyes water, and that you're in the middle of it, blind, blurred, talking big dreams and drinking your own heart. That you go to sleep with the oven on. Wake up, you're dying. Wake up, you're dying.
Do you miss me?
Do I miss you?

The door we made between us swung open, and both of us looked at it, and turned our backs, and when I looked back it had become a wall, solid, stained, and behind the wall was you, and on it are the rumors scratched very small, along the baseboard, where the cat is sitting in a puddle, crying for you.


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